In British Pie Week (Monday March 4 to Sunday March 10), so we've asked our Barstool Expert to tell us everything he knows about pies...
Who ate all the pies?
What's with the body-shaming? You're not so slim and sylphlike yourself.
That wasn't an insult, it was a genuine question.
Which I imagine you're now going to answer yourself at great length?
Well, I'll tell you who ate all the pies. And you can forget your lazy stereotypes about Northerners, because a hungryhouse.co.uk survey in 2017 found people in London and Bristol ordered an average of 10 pies a year, more than twice the number consumed up north.
Ah of course, London, home of the jellied eel, mutton pie & mash shop...
Again, you're letting the clichés mislead you; Londoners' favourite pie was banoffee. Steak pies were big in Leeds and Newcastle, while Mancunians preferred pork pies.
And what about those pies that come in a dish with pastry on the top only – is that a pie, or just a casserole with a hat?
It's a highly contentious issue. Many pubs sell such as a dish as a pie, and could quote the OED for support: 'encased in or covered with pastry'.
However, a 2015 petition urging the government to 'make wrongly describing a casserole with a pastry lid as a pie a criminal offence' garnered 5,687 signatures.
So there are no actual rules then?
Well if you enter your pie for the British Pie Awards, there are: 'All Pies in all classes of the British Pie Awards must comply with being a filling wholly encased in pastry and baked'.
I suppose the whole point of a pie is the interplay between the moist filling and the pastry crust, so a pie that fails to maximise this surface area is kind of cheating the pie-eater...
Spoken like a true pie purist. By the way, do you know where the most expensive meat pie ever was sold?
The Fence Gate Inn in Lancashire.
That's not fair, you just Googled it! But yes, the £8,195 pie was shared by eight guests. It contained Japanese wagyu beef and winter black truffles and was topped with edible gold leaf.
I'd have expected four-and-twenty blackbirds for that price.
In the 16th century, live animal pies were indeed a popular party piece for the rich. Charles I was supposedly served a pie that a human dwarf jumped out of.
That's pretty weird.
An eccentricity of the upper crust. I'd rather eat humble pie – minced beef & onion's good for me.
Lord of the pies: Do create a pie menu featuring five or six pies with a variety of fillings and types of pastry.
Simple Simon: Don't forget to label which is which. Morrisons got in trouble a couple of years back for selling "chicken pies" that contained fish but no chicken.